When Healing Feels Like Harm: Trusting Yourself When the System Doesn’t Fit

Recently, someone tagged me in a Facebook post that stopped me in my tracks. A woman shared how she had tried to find peace in AA — again and again — only to feel more broken, hopeless, and small with each attempt. She described the moment something cracked inside her at a large convention, how she walked away from the program, only to return months later out of fear… and how the more she returned, the worse she felt. She ended her post with a cry from the soul: “How can I get rid of this toxic cult without relapsing?”

I’ve heard versions of this question many times over the years. It’s not just about AA. It’s about any system that promises healing but slowly begins to erode your sense of self.

It’s one of the most painful crossroads a woman can reach: when the space that was supposed to help her heal begins to harm her instead. Maybe it’s a recovery program. Maybe it’s a church. Maybe it’s a friend group or even family. But somewhere along the way, the message shifts from you are strong enough to you are broken and must be fixed, but never be healed.

I remember that shift clearly. The first time I walked into a 12-step meeting, I was desperate for change — and for a while, it felt like I had found it. I found people who understood the pain, the spiral, the deep ache to numb. But as the days turned into weeks and then months, I began to notice something else: the more I attended, the smaller I felt. My light didn’t feel welcome — only my darkness did.

When the place that promises freedom starts to feel like a cage, it’s time to pause.

Healing isn’t supposed to hurt like this. Growth will stretch you, but it shouldn’t shame you. And yet, for so many women — especially those who’ve lived lives of high function and deep hiding — the systems we’re told to trust end up reinforcing what we already feared: that we are defective, powerless, and perpetually in danger of relapse.

Here’s what I’ve learned, both in my own experience and walking alongside other women (and a few men) for over a decade:

Shame is not medicine.

If your support system makes you feel sick, small, or sinful just for being human — it’s not support. It’s control. True healing invites you to become more yourself, not less. It doesn’t ask you to dim your light or deny your strength. It helps you remember who you are beneath the pain.

Relapse is not failure — it’s information.

In traditional recovery culture, relapse is often framed as a moral failing. But what if it’s just data? A signal that something is out of alignment, or that you’re still searching for what truly nourishes your spirit? You’re not failing. You’re learning. And learning is part of living.

Trust your inner knowing.

There is a wise voice within you — one that existed long before the steps or the labels. That voice may be whispering (or shouting), This isn’t working. That voice may be asking for something gentler, something freer. You can trust it. You’re not betraying anyone by listening to your truth. You’re coming home to it.

You don’t need to be deprogrammed — you need to be reclaimed.

You are not broken. You are not powerless. You are not a lifelong label. You may be lost, but you are not gone. The journey isn’t about fitting into someone else’s mold of recovery. It’s about reconnecting with your essence. That is where healing begins.

What if the goal isn’t sobriety — it’s aliveness?

For years, I asked, How do I stay sober? But the better question turned out to be: How do I feel alive? I followed the breadcrumbs — movement, writing, nature, connection, creativity — and what I found wasn’t just sobriety. It was wholeness. And from that place, the need to numb began to fade.

If you’re reading this and you’re struggling with the space you’ve been told is your only way out, I want you to know you are not alone. There is another way. A softer way. A way that doesn’t ask you to disappear to be accepted.

Your healing isn’t linear. Your story isn’t over. And your light? It’s still there — waiting for you to come back.

Love yourself back to Light.

About Teresa Rodden
Teresa Rodden is a coach, author, and guide for women in their prime who are ready to stop numbing, start feeling, and live with purpose. Through her signature message, Love Yourself Back to Light, Teresa helps women reconnect with their truth, rewrite limiting narratives, and remember their brilliance. Whether through her writing, coaching programs, or live workshops, she invites women to embrace curiosity, courage, and the power of their own story.

Connect with Teresa on Instagram @i_am_teresarodden or learn more at TeresaRodden.com.