When the Ego Dies: Returning to Light After Numbness

Following the wisdom of one of my favorite mentors, I’ve been reflecting on something he shared: the death of the ego. That moment when you’ve reached a pinnacle—you have everything you asked for—but instead of joy, you feel numb. There’s no glee. No spark. Nothing pulling you forward.

I know this feeling intimately.

The Moment I Had It All—And Felt Nothing

One particular moment stands out, one I described in Wholly Sober.

We had more money than I’d ever had before. On the outside, it looked like success. But on the inside? I was numb. Hollow. Yes, I was drinking—but not to celebrate. I drank so I wouldn’t have to feel how dead I felt inside. So I wouldn’t face the ache of aloneness or the fog of despair.

But the most vivid memory of this numbness wasn’t while I was drinking. It was during a moment of sobering clarity—watching a woman in her yard, laughing joyfully with her child. Their home was modest. They had what many would consider “less.” Yet in that instant, she radiated something I hadn’t felt in a long time: aliveness.

And I realized—she had everything I was truly longing for.

A Dark Night of the Soul (and a Pink Cloud Controversy)

Another unforgettable moment was what I can only describe as a dark night of the soul. I walked up the stairs—my mind awake and aware—but my body, clearly drunk. It was the strangest, most disconnected sensation I’ve ever had.

Carl Jung speaks of this as the death of ego. And strangely, it connects to something I’ve often been criticized for: being on a “Pink Cloud.”

People misunderstand the Pink Cloud. The term was coined by a psychiatrist who described it as ego detachment—a moment of euphoric clarity when you’re no longer shackled by identity, addiction, or fear. But in AA circles, it’s viewed as dangerous—like you’re not tethered to reality and bound to crash. And when you do, they’ll be there to show you how to live “like a real alcoholic.”

But here’s what I’ve learned: that moment of pink cloud isn’t a warning sign. It’s a glimpse of what’s possible when we let go.

This Time, I Knew What to Do

Recently, I felt that familiar darkness start creeping back. But this time—I didn’t numb. I didn’t run. I didn’t try to fix it.

I got still.

I silenced the ego and let go of control. I repeated to myself:
“All is well. I am okay.”

I unplugged for a few weeks. I carefully curated what I allowed into my mind, heart, and spirit. And when I felt ready, I began scheduling coffee dates with people who nourish my soul.

That small shift created a spark—and soon, a wildfire.

The Light Returns

I started jumping out of bed again. I felt excitement return—for writing, for creating. The things that once consumed me with frustration fell away, or found a healthier rhythm.

My focus became simple: build your light.

And it became easy to weigh the things around me:

Does this person, topic, show, food, or activity brighten or dim my light?

 

Your Invitation Back to Light

If you’re feeling that same darkness…
Get still.
Stop trying to control it all.
Feel what needs to be felt.
Trust yourself.

Try something that excites you and scares you.
Doodle flowers and stars and hearts on your pages.
Take notes. Light candles. Be curious.

And ask yourself this sacred question:

“What do you want, my love?”

About Teresa Rodden
Teresa Rodden is a coach, author, and guide for women in their prime who are ready to stop numbing, start feeling, and live with purpose. Through her signature message, Love Yourself Back to Light, Teresa helps women reconnect with their truth, rewrite limiting narratives, and remember their brilliance. Whether through her writing, coaching programs, or live workshops, she invites women to embrace curiosity, courage, and the power of their own story.

Connect with Teresa on Instagram @i_am_teresarodden