I have a confession to make. It has been over 3 months since I posted a blog. I was heartbroken and void of any inspiration.
March 3, 2015 was my last post, “I’m not who I was.” On March 13th, 2015, I had to make a decision that would forever change me. I chose to end my pet, companion, confidante, and witness, Daisy’s physical life. She was with me at the end of drinking days, where violence and venom swirled around us. It was a vile man, I often refer to as Prince Harming, who gifted her to me. Isn’t there a saying about from ugly comes beauty, darkness comes light, silence comes song?
We had planned a vacation for that weekend and Daisy was coming along. We had been on borrowed time with her for months then. That week her cough was getting rougher. It racked her body and she had little peace. I would hold her and gently pat her until the episode passed. She still ate well and would walk with me, but for the most part she tried to sleep from exhaustion, when she wasn’t fighting to breathe. Rich and I thought at first we would just bring her along and if she passes – we’d deal with it. Spirit in me knew the most compassionate thing I could do, would cause me the most unimaginable pain.
When I reflect on the day, it’s almost as though I was mechanical. I never committed to the decision. I just kept
taking the next step. I emailed a vet that would come to the home and all seemed to be going along, but they didn’t do after hours or weekends. Rich wanted to be with me and I knew Daisy would want him there. They kindly referred me to another provider, but I would have to call them. It was one thing to email, but to call and speak out loud!!! Through broken speech and sobs, the compassionate soul on the other end pieced it altogether. We had it scheduled. Cash or check only. I went to the ATM and withdrew the cash. The last thing I wanted to see was a reminder of the event on my bank statement.
The vet came and she was perfectly patient and calm. She was confident Miss Daisy had a lot of health issues that we weren’t even aware of. I held my baby girl and I prayed over her. I told her go find Jesus and Yoshi and play in the fields of heaven. I said I was sorry. I asked her to forgive me. I felt her take her last breath. She was gone. My sweet baby girl was gone. She had been by my side for over 14 years. She moved with me across the city and a couple trips across our country.
She witnessed me be beaten and she witnessed me falling in love. Good love. She herself fell in love with her daddy Rich. She had walked thousands of miles with me and many of those she served as a mascot for a walking group I had formed. She loved trick or treaters and not even snow would keep her from a stroll to the neighbors to say hi. She was our home. Even just a day ago, three months later, Rich dropped something that would have startled her, and he said, “Sorry Daisy” like we always had.
She was our home.
It’s taken a lot of tears, still they fall, and months to get back in the groove of things. But Daisy is so much bigger than her death. I recently had a thought of her spirit being so much bigger than her little shih-tzu frame and it sparkles with brilliant colors. Someone posted on my FB page that she will be the first one to greet me when I arrive in heaven. That was the beginning of my healing. We will be together again.
Thank you for allowing me to share my pain and heartache with you. There are big changes coming to Pink Cloud Coaching, including my first book – I’m hoping to publish this fall.
Even with this heartbreak – I would not want to numb or miss any moment of this memory by using alcohol. Alcohol only occurred to me because I thought it was odd that I didn’t struggle even then.
Sobriety isn’t about not drinking – It’s about being able to take charge of your life with clear mind and divine balance – even through the most painful times.